In Kind

24. Three Thoughts: I Am Becoming - A Self in Review

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What do you do every day that lights you up? What pulls you down? If you're like me, you probably have meager accurate awareness of how you actually spend your hours. Instead of focusing on what we failed to do this year, and making the same promises (aka resolutions) next year, we'll look at who we became over the the last twelve months. They key to that is to decide how each of our daily actions makes us feel, and to do more of the ones that make us feel most alive. However 2020 treated you, this tool will wake up many aspects of how you live. I promise that looking into a few dark corners will produce gold in 2021.

SHOW NOTES

Other Year in Review Methods:
Marie Forleo
Patrick Buggy’s Mindful Ambition

Adjunct Partner to I Am Becoming:
Tim Ferriss Fear Setting 

Journals:
Passion Planner
Minimalism Art
The best journaling pen in the galaxy

Book:
Surprise, Tania Luna and LeeAnn Renninger

3 Thoughts I Am Becoming. A Self in Review

We instinctively know that how we spend our time every day will tell us who we are becoming, but how in touch are we with what we actually do on a daily basis? Do we even want to dig around in there? Most of us don’t because there are some unsavory reveals! Today I’m gonna help you do just that. This isn’t a typical year in review, it’s a Self in Review called I Am Becoming. I created this so you could do this along with your year end tradition, or if it’s your first go it’s an amazing way in. What do you have on autopilot? What do you spend your time doing or not doing? What trenches have you dug in 2020? We’re gonna let it all out in this honest and empathic look at yourself. However 2020 treated you, this is a therapeutic way to let it go and to lay plans for who you’re becoming in 2021. Let’s do this!

So you all know I love 3s - I Am Becoming is a 3-question review that you do over 3 spacious non-stressy days. No need to write anything down; it's in the transcript. I want you to give some weight to this time you spend on yourself. Have a coffee, light some candles, secure a couple of hours of uninterrupted time on each day. Keep your mind as open and non-judgy as possible. 

The first question is around Inventory.

DAY 1: What do you do every day that can teach you about yourself?  [Get Ready to Write!]

Be curious, not critical here. 

I want you to think beyond formal practices, like if you go straight to “Oh, I journal everyday,” - that’s awesome and it’s gotta go on here, but practices aren’t just virtuous things. Here I’m defining it as anything you do daily. Bc anything we spend time on every single day has a lot to teach us. Do you mark up a calendar weekly or monthly? Do you use apps or other systems daily? Do you make a schedule and consult it for your kids? Do you make your own calendar?

Are you a social media peruser? Are you a podcast junkie - I hope you are - that counts. Are you a journaler, maybe you’re a reader, photographer, a cook, a napper, exerciser, an online shopper, someone who zones out with mindless TV’r - all of those goes in the inventory. These are the things that need examining. If you do it every day, it's gotta be in there. It’s important not to limit this to systems you want to have or think would help you. We’re looking for a full inventory of what’s here now, in 2020, so it gives an accurate picture of who you were all year and that means where you spend regular time.

So you should have a decent list at the end of this. I would call that a minimum of 25 things - maybe you have upwards of 50, big and small.

[Get Ready to Code!]

Once you have your list answer I want you to answer this question for each item on it: How do I feel when I spend my time doing this? 

  • If it’s a clear Hell Yes I feel great put a + by it
  • If you’re not sure, a question mark 
  • If you feel gross or anxious or OCD about it, put a minus sign 


Now add a SINGLE WORD next to each action for how you feel when doing this. 

Don’t go nuts overthinking this but do try to make it an emotion. And feel free to repeat them - this isn’t a vocabulary exercise. It’s hard to distinguish between thoughts and emotions. This one’s still very tough for me. But I’ll give you an example, if I have social media on my list and I write ‘fun’ next to it, that won’t help me. I need to get at the layer underneath, which in my case is avoidance disguised as fun. Even avoidance isn’t the emotion - it’s fear of doing what I need to be doing but I’m escaping instead. Or, a positive one - if I have meal planning as something I do every day with a plus, and I write ‘productive’ next to it I’m missing the mark again. Because meal planning actually makes me feel spacious. But for this first round, unless you’re super adept at teasing out emotions from thoughts, do your best to question yourself with that word you write next to each of the actions you’re rating. Is that an emotion or a description - is it really how you feel? That’s what you want

Now we’ll code these items by time spent. Super easy. Put an up or down arrow to indicate how much time you spent on these actions. 

  • Up means too much 
  • Down is not enough 
  • Dash is just right


[Get Ready to Relax!]

Put the list away! Do not look at it for the rest of the day. Try for 24 hours. That was a lot of work. You might already be shocked at some of the things on there, and you need a break

Ok, Day 2 - you’re back! Today is about Revisiting.

Day 2: What lights you up, and what pulls you down? [Get Ready to Think!]

Take out your list and go over it. The first thing you want to do is scan it. Because guaranteed, somewhere on that list you’re gonna be thinking I was crazy when I wrote that, what does that mean or does it even matter. I want you also to think was I honest? That’s the most important. Does everything look right on here? What needs adjustment? Take care of that first.

[Get Ready to Highlight!]

Highlight (or circle or underline) the actions you’ve taken that have been part of or led to an experience you’re proud of, a way you behaved that you want to do more of… An example: meditating helped you be less bitey with your kids…
Put an X next to what you want to let go of

STOP! Flashing Yellow Light. The Xs don’t mean these are bad things. These are actually where a lot of the gold lies. Let me explain this. Let’s say you feel guilty about not moving your body daily. Well, you don’t want to forget about that one and not have it make it to your I Am Becoming board. It’s gotta make it! That is a keeper so you can work toward it. Another example - if you feel depleted or exhausted from spending too much time with a family member who has a negative outlook. So every day you talk with or see this person, that’s one to keep too. Because you want to become someone who is either more patient with that person, and/or probably someone who draws better boundaries in a loving way

The point is that you’re going to be left with a picture of what makes you feel alive in some way - what lights you up, and what drains you. The things that are really draining need to be changed. The things that make you feel alive are what you want more of. And notice I did not say what makes you feel good - because you’ve gotta take a long look at the ones that make you feel uncomfortable or afraid - there is gold in there! Some of the ones with a minus next to them might just be the key to unlocking parts of you that you want to become! I’d wager to say most of them lie there. So don’t be surprised if your list is not sloughed off or narrowed down- it may even grow bigger as you think of more! There’s a book called Surprise and I love something that they’ve said in it - “We feel more comfortable when things are certain, but we feel more alive when they’re not.” We want to become the most alive we can right?

So the goal isn’t to narrow this down but to take stock of who you are so you can decide where you’re going. Plusses and minuses both have value. Both feed your curiosity, challenge your limits, require you to step up or out, they bring you in a more specific sense closer to your kids, or allow you to take guilt-free naps in the middle of the day… Whatever purpose they serve they are all teachers, but most of us never get to the point of looking at them like we are here today

[Get Ready to Relax!]

Put the list away again. Twenty-four hours and you’re gonna come back.

Day 3 is about Invitation.

Day 3: Who I Am Becoming?  [Get Ready to Write!]

On a clean sheet, I like to use the big sticky flip chart paper poster-board size they’re huge I like to put them on the back of a door or a wall in my office - write In 2021, I Am Becoming on the top in big letters. You’re gonna want to copy the heck out of this. Into your journal, on a giant flip chart page, into your Notes on the phone, and in a google doc. So at least 4 places I’ve got these things so I’m more likely to look at them and remember them. And the way that you want to write on this because we’re gonna use both the left and right side as real estate is to turn it horizontally so I have more room to do a clear left and right side.

So if you put your amplify ones on the left, I’ll show you how this is gonna work in wording in a second, and then on the right side I’ll tell you what goes there in a second.

Look at your actions and feelings. The ones you want to amplify, the ones you recognize as squirmy calls to action, and the ones you want to minimize or let go of. I think the ones you want to do more of should be obvious to you, but we need to talk about the ones that are uncomfortable that you think that you want to let go of. Those need a little bit more attention because you might think at first I’m not gonna put those in my I Am Becoming board because I don’t want them around anymore - but they can usually be turned into powerful goals. So here’s an example - and again, these are the ones where, if they make you prickly, there’s a reason for that. Maybe a let go is an old story about yourself, like for me one of them was I’m a procrastinator. So on my list that would’ve shown up as something I do every day as:

I procrastinate on my creative work     -   ↑  Shame

I would have a minus and and up arrow for spending too much time procrastinating, and the feeling I’d have written next to it would be shame.

So you think why would I put that on my Becoming board? I don’t put it in those words, I have to flip it! This is one of those  sleeper gems that needs to be on my list. What I’m gonna do is I want to let go of the story that I’m a procrastinator and replace it with I am becoming a finisher. What’s the opposite of procrastination? Someone who finishes things. K so that’s on my left side and that came from one of my let go’s. Now on the right side, I want to list evidence of even one thing I did, one action I took in 2020 that proves I’m a finisher. I hit an important deadline at work. That might sound small, but BAM - I’ve just told my brain that I have precedent for being a finisher. I know how to do it, so the door is now open for me to do more. To do it again. Improve it. Maybe fall flat on it. But the point is that I am taking action. They could be tiny but very mighty steps, and the best thing is that they’re right there in black and white, to show you how to continue the practice. Remember that things you focus on expand; things you resist persist... 

The final step after you take a long look at who you were, what lit you up and what depleted you in 2020, and what you want to bring forth or amplify in 2021, is to start thinking of how to achieve these ways of Being.

Let’s say you want to become more emotionally expressive, ask yourself “How might I become that?” So turns up on your sheet as:

(left) I am becoming more emotionally expressive
(right) I asked for help from people who do this really well

Then list one thing that you did that helps you become that. Maybe it’s I asked for help from people I know who do this well, or I found amazing books and podcasts on the subject - great! - or, I tried it in real life. All you need is one step to take more steps.

So one of the immediate results you should experience is an energy exchange. Not just these actions that we’re trying to let go of - the surfacy ones  like replacing social media with napping or walking...  We can all express that pretty readily. We’re trying to go deeper. We’re trying to replace perceptions of what we are so they can also shift.

I am becoming a walking meditator.
I am becoming a letter writer.
I am becoming less reactive.
I am becoming comfortable with silence.
I am becoming an emotionally attuned partner.

It’s basic science that when we let go of one energy source we are free to engage with another. You’ve already done the work. You’ve decided what produces aliveness in you, and remember that’s not just warm and fuzzy excited feelings. It’s the scared feelings too. It’s the fear. I can’t think of anything that makes me feel more alive than being scared shitless. Do not underestimate that! So imagine what that will feel like to turn up those dials on the daily!

Because who doesn’t want to do more of what makes them feel elated, and alive. And who doesn’t want that butterfly feeling of taking a chance and being courageous and taking steps. As to the how, it’’s impossible to know what works as a way in for each person. You gotta start somewhere. If you’re doing some of these things and they don’t work, pivot and try a new tactic before you abandon the method. If you’re too rigid about journaling, this happened to me for a long time I had to really learn how to use it, stop doing it and see when or if it calls you back and what kind of writing you actually want to put in it.

Some suggestions, big and small. Things that might end up on someone’s I Am Becoming List:

I am becoming the person who says I’m sorry first
I am becoming a parent who listens without judgement to her kids
I am becoming a creator who puts work into the world every day
I am becoming more patient and less reactive
I am becoming an organized person

Some big and small resources to aid your becoming:

  1. Journaling. It’s not a necessity, but truth be told the best journaling practice is the one you DO. Allow trial and error. I tried blank books, lined books, dated books until I found two things that I really like. One is, I’ll link to these, one is called Passion Planner which is a combination between a date book, a doodling book, there’s space for question asking, then it has short and long term goals, motivating questions, it has everything and it’s a beautiful book besides. The other one I use daily is a plan notebook with graph paper like the small squares which help me write straight, and it’s by Minimalism Art I love the yellow ones. I also love PaperMate pens, they are part of my journal obsession. I use the felt-tip flare in black medium. They are scrumptious to write with and they make me want to write and write and write. Find something like that for yourself if you’re into pens and paper. You can also try writing at different times of day. Don’t be rigid, allow stream of consciousness just do it every day for a week and see what wants to get on that paper. It may be feelings, you may start posing questions to yourself and answering them - I do that - maybe you doodle or draw. I just wouldn’t let it dilute into a to-do list, but other than that no rules
  2. Mirror reflections. It’s exactly what you think it is. Look at yourself literally for 30 seconds a day with a warm smile. No words necessary. If you end up talking, you end up talking. The biggest thing is that there’s no judgement. You’re just trying to smile at yourself for 30 seconds. It’s gonna be insanely uncomfortable and will also quickly start unlocking years of autopilot where we just haven’t considered ourselves, much less looked upon ourselves the way we would a child, friend, pet or loved one. It’s intense and important in becoming kind to ourselves. I would say that should probably, FYI, be on everybody’s I Am Becoming list “I Am Becoming Kinder to Myself.” Please, put it on there, just to humor me.
  3. Vision board. A concept I hated for so long until I made one that has totally manifested huge things and I’ll never ever throw this piece of paper away. And it’s different from the I Am Becoming it’s more of a Be Do Have type layout. At the top I wrote the mission of In Kind, that was what my focus was, then 3 sections called I Do, I Am, I Have and a separate board for I Know. I Know meaning people I know. So in I Do are things like I produce In Kind twice a month. The I Know board has photos cut out, sort of serial killer style, of people I aspire to surround myself with. I will say, even on the I Know board I’ve come within inches of connecting with 2 of the 8 people on it in 2020 thus far. It feels like I’m sort of orbiting these people. So in the middle of the board was a mistake- it started out as I wrote something that I had to cross out and then I was pissed because I was really invested in the board and I didn’t want to...it looked really beautiful everywhere else and I didn’t want to start over so I made it into a hot pink heart. Coincidentally it’s exactly the size of my hand, so when I close my office door, the board is on the back, I put my hand on it and read it all out loud. And I’ll tell you this shit works. What you focus on expands, what you resist persists. It works. I should do a whole episode on evidence of that but just trust me. The things that are on there - left and right I’m checkin’ ‘em off. 

I’ve linked to a few other year in review tools if this one doesn’t strike your fancy. These are trusted people and mentors who have developed tools that I love. Plus an adjunct Fear Setting exercise from Tim Ferriss it’s not a year in review I think he does it quarterly. That one is really the most natural partner for I Am Becoming because it’s gonna get at the fears that lie below most of our squirmy emotions and inertia that caused our X’s and our minuses. 

If you take anything away from today, I hope it’s that the exact way you do this isn’t important. I have outlined steps and maybe you want to follow those steps to the tee, maybe you want to jump around and pull what seemed relevant for you. But the point is to look. To take stock. To gain awareness of what we do and how we fee; on a daily basis. Because we can’t shift anything until we’re aware of it. 

You’ll want to mull over your 2021 I Am Becoming board for a bit. And please please let it be flexible! It will grow, shrink and morph over the year because...guess what, as You Become, you change! This is not a set it and forget it exercise. 

I hope you leave with some ahas on how you’re showing up and how you want to show up as your future self. A lot can happen in a year. This is an intimate way to show yourself deep empathy and compassion and I’m really glad that you took the time. 

Happy New Year. I’ll see you in 2021.